Giant Joke and Kinda Neat
& Funny Stuff Collection

     Remember, that it's a dull mind that is easily board. If your board it's because your dull. Accept it by faith if you can't see the evidence.
     Remember, to smile a while. And give your face a rest. When you preach about heaven let your face light up and fill with expectancy. But when you preach about hell, your normal face will do.
     Quip's & Quotes from our friends. Remember we have a disclaimer that if anything that follows this quote is not funny, we can not be held responsible.
     Funny Collection 1 ====== Romance Math ======
   ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
  OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
  SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
  GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
  LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
  MEMORY Any married man should forget his mistakes; there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
  APPEARANCE Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
  PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
  DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
  COMPREHENSION There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before marriage and after marriage.


====== Actual signs seen in England: =====
  Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
  Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
  Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
  Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
  Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
  In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
  On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
  Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
  Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
  Outside a Disco SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN... EVERYONE WELCOME
    Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL..
  Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF..
  Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS... YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
  Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
  Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
  Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS


===== You know you're drinking
too much coffee when... =====
  -you answer the door before people knock.
  -Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  -you ski uphill.
  -you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  -you haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  -you lick your coffeepot clean.
  -your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  -you chew on other people's fingernails.
  -your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
  -you can type 60 words per minute ... with your feet.
  -you can jump-start your car without cables.
  -all your kids are named "Joe."
  -you don't need a hammer to pound nails.
  -your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
  -you don't sweat, you percolate.
  -you buy Half & Half by the barrel.
  -you've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
  -you forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  -you've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  -people get dizzy just watching you.
  -you've worn the finish off your coffee table.
  -the Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  -Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  -your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
  -instant coffee takes too long.
  -you're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
  -you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  -you short out motion detectors.
  -you don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  -your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  -you think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
  -you don't tan, you roast.
  -you can't even remember your second cup.
  -you help your dog chase its tail.

======== Kitchen Plaque Sayings ==============
  * A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand
  * A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life
  * A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House
  * A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen... And This Kitchen Is Delirious
  * Help keep the kitchen clean - Eat OUT
  * Housework Done Properly Can Kill You
  * If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast and cheap.
  * My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
  * No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes
  * Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator

============
  A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now." The boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"

============
  The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood  alcohol content.
  Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
   I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know  me here.
   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.  I said, "Implants?"
   I don't do drugs any more 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up real fast.
   Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one  flea..."
   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
   If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
   I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
   The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
   If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a  truckload of hand grenades...
   NOW THAT'S A MESSAGE!!
   I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy the rest of your life.
   Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
   I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am  perfect.
   I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately.
   Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
   If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway!

Send us some of your favorites
Your fellow nut in the tree of life, mike
======== Title and start paragraph for humor section. Remember, if your feeling froggy, it's time to jump Smile a while and give your face a rest.

   Sheep Attack But wait a minute, you may think, sheep don't attack. They don't do they. Whoaaaaa, Whewwwww ! Many leaders have suffered from a "sheep attack". Many have lost their pastorates, many their reputations, and many,,,, have lost their enthusiasm about staying in the ministry. I call it Motivational Disorder. Happiness is a major food for Ministers.
       He held Johns heart in His hand while he sat on Patmos. If ever there was a time the churches needed John it was then. Watch this page to read others struggles and healings. Click here to submit your experience. Your

     Internet Evangelism We now have no excuse to keep from going out to meet all the opportunities that will show the electronic highway leads to the CROSSROADS to His Cross. Humor for the Pickle Suckers
They are easy to find. They wake up with a great day, blue sky, and then turn on the soap operas to sink into emotional drama based on fictitious characters.